


Words Of Wisdom: Letters Never Sent

by Pinx_B (orphan_account)



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Introspection, Romance, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 06:39:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11641047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Pinx_B
Summary: She would never be able to fathom the damage she had caused but everything between the lines would..





	Words Of Wisdom: Letters Never Sent

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Her fingers sped over the fifth sheet of paper that she had yet to crumble up, the pen in her hand melding into the space between her fingers to cause a burn that she ignored. 

It felt painless compared to what she felt inside as each letter pressed into the white sheet between the fine two blue lines adjacent to each other, imprisoning her emotions so that the recipient could unlock it with her own eyes and get a taste of the destruction she had caused. 

The ink, a similar shade to the blue of Umi's hair stained the paper as the furious speed of her writing continued to punctuate the sound around her; the sounds of happy chatter, cups clattering and patrons awaiting their orders for the favourite beverage. 

A cruel reminder keeping her in the barriers of reality. 

She hadn't intended to settle and pour her heart out in the vicinity of a busy cafe in the afternoon sunlight that melted the snow whilst leaving enough to bring a bout of a fresh aura which in itself was a picturesque scene. 

How she wished she could admire the beautiful surrounding with an open and living mind. 

But that mind she had spent so many years perfecting, making sure that the damned organ that pumped blood around her system didn't get in the way would only end up being tainted by a red blooded, red headed woman herself. 

Irony was as callous and sharp as the ice hanging off the buildings. 

She wondered if she could truly resent her for walking away when she claimed her emotions had ran dry. 

She wanted to, so bad that it'd make this whole ordeal of wanting to reconnect with her seem that much less traumatic. 

She wished she could rip out the hold that the woman had on her, like she had tied her to her presence, making Umi follow without hesitation. 

Maybe that's what she was doing, her sullen amber eyes never leaving the paper and pen that were colliding in sweet harmony to reveal the truth of the ugliness that Maki had left within her. 

 

_"Dear Maki"._

How the name felt so alien yet familiar. It felt strange to even write it, like it was now a curse to utter her name be it vocally or not. 

Not that it mattered to Umi, said curse had befallen on her the day they'd met. 

_"I just want to say some things. Some details that I didn't know how to voice when you were stood in front of me, looking at me with those guilty eyes knowing that every word you threw my way would strike me with a knife repeatedly. It was so sudden and so sharp that I felt it rip me open"._

How those wounds were so raw for Umi as she sat there, rigid, forcing the pen to glide along the surface in a reminiscent way of Maki's words floating through the air to heavily land in her own heart.

_"There are so many repercussions to your years of charades that I've yet to process. I don't think you will ever understand what you've done to me as a person, as an individual, as another human. I can't explain the anguish I go through day in, day out knowing the extent of how much I loved you"._

A kind of love that she worked so hard to stay away from as she knew how toxic and fickle relationships could be, how with even a petty situation, years worth of companionship could dissipate. 

_"Your personality matched in with the image of the woman who I loved, not the new side that you showed me, claiming that I was simply imagining the change in you. Even then, I could never believe your fluctuating behaviour was the real you who claimed to love me. Was I really that naive to think of trusting you"._

The games, the lies, the detachment in her eyes, Umi saw it all and even though a part of her saw the train coming to an dead end, she couldn't will herself to move away from the tracks that Maki had made her lie on so willingly. 

_"But it doesn't even matter anymore because I no longer care about that. It's numbed me to a point where the only two emotions associated with you are disappointment & sadness. You would've been happy to have walked out of my life without telling me the truth. You were content in leaving as it was & me loathing this unknown woman". _

A woman already so similar to herself that it made her brain strain to figure out how and why she had failed to satisfy Maki, how she managed to lose her to a carbon copy of herself in a sense. 

_"I don't think you feel any remorse whatsoever personally and to be honest, that no longer concerns me. I just want you to know the added damage you've caused because of what you did. I hope 'protecting' her from someone you 'loved' was worth it & that you get some satisfaction of safety, protection & happiness from this situation". _

Her pen shuddered as her teeth clenched together when she rapidly wrote that out, that she was never a priority let alone something steady for the woman who had her cake and got to savour and devour it. 

_"Please, don't talk about how much you've been 'hurt' by something you initiated in all factors because it will never even touch up on what I now have to endure. It's funny, you use to talk about my eyes, saying things like how they exude my kindness like radiating light. You never saw my eyes though did you"._

She was no fool, amber and blue were two separate entities of colours and it was easy to see through Maki's description to know that amber eyes didn't reflect light like the blue ones did. 

_"You'd tell me how much you loved the shape of my lips, how perfect they made me look, how you'd have sold your soul just to spend all day kissing them. You'd tell me how much you liked my hair & how you kept thinking of spending hours running your fingers through it. Except, when you spoke of me, her image spoke to your heart and mind instead'". _

Of course she didn't realise when she touched Umi's lips, her finger traced a different shape or when she ran her fingers through her hair, she would unconsciously drag it into a ponytail. 

_"You imagined her mouth forming her laughs when I did. When I was upset at you, it was her eyes that you looked into & tried to sooth. It was her hands you wanted to hold in yours & her kiss to make you forgive her, even after your verbal attacks of anger at me. It's like I was a clone whenever you couldn't be around her". _

Changes like this become noticeable and for Umi, it was a slow and heartbreaking realisation that she was being faded out in hopes of the body of the other woman to appear instead. 

_"You thought all those things because you wished I was her, the woman who lured you in with her beauty but had your heart on her sleeves by her aura that seeped into every one of your senses. You know I offered every part of my broken mind, heart & soul to you, I thought we'd fix each other, we'd lean on each other and be honest with each other but it turned out that you were being healed by another". _

She tried not to let her tears tarnish the sheet of paper again, she tried not to let that fact maul her like it did but it was true, she was left on her own whilst Maki was being aided to by someone that wasn't her. 

_"I never doubted you for a moment before all the pieces of your double personality showed up. You had every story, every fabrication, every event sewn together like a tapestry of the greatest cover up. A step ahead you always were in the strictest of senses and with me wrapped around your finger was how it always ended"._

She often wondered had Maki put that much effort into saving their relationship as opposed to discarding her for an upgraded version would they have worked though it. 

_"I recall asking about certain perfumes on you that didn't seem like your scent and you easily crafted a scenario about trying different things and like the genius that you were, you always had a sample all ready for me to try knowing that I would because I loved you that much"._

A bat of her violet eyes did the trick with an added touch of her body against hers, the memory of it still pushing against Umi as she sat there with the most stoic of expressions to conceal the whirlwind inside her. 

_"I allowed your excuses and did as you wanted of me because it made me feel like I was invested in your life, like you telling me those small inane but intimate details about your day made me think how lucky I was to have a woman like you. You'd tell me how your 'friend' took the pictures of you in those beautiful landscape when on a 'work' trip and I'd fall for it; hook, line and sinker"._

Denial and love went hand in hand after all as Umi found that she would let all the pathetic excuses and reasonings slide because she trusted Maki to be an adult with her, to be honest even though she knew the truth. 

 

 _"All of your lies were so finely tuned in my mind because to me, they were real, because you told me & I trusted you. Maki, you could've told me that the sky was bursting into colours of yellow, green & purple & I would've believed you. You could've told me there was a youkai, vampire & an oni having a  party in your house & I would've went with it because the love I felt for you ran deeper than the depth of the oceans, all the way into the core of the earth where it shined as bright as the layer of lava. I respected your wishes, I acknowledged your flaws & I embraced them, just the small fact that the sentiments were never mutual were they?"._ 

She paused for a moment as a cramp shot through her arm, long enough that her gaze travelled out of the cafe window and into the distance of the frozen lake that people were walking past without a care in the world. More so, two people in particular who seemed like everything around them was simply time moving slowly because between them, it had stopped in order for them to enjoy every moment together. The sight was a contradiction for Umi, the familiar smile chipping away at the freezing ice that had accumulated in her heart whilst another layer froze over it knowing that she'd never be the cause of that smile. 

That she never really was. But maybe that was for the best. 

_"I've learnt over the years that it's not all doom & gloom that you left me with. I feel obligated to thank you for allowing me grow some as a person, to embrace who I was regardless of my past reservations towards love, to allow me to at least accept that it is okay to surrender my emotions to another. I want to thank you for enabling me be more confident about it"._

For someone like herself, she knew that was a big deal which is why she would treasure the lessons she had suffered for in order to learn them regardless of whether she would love another woman near as much. 

_"You're a double edged sword, you built me up but only to knock me down with your façade that you had the power to stop instead of letting it fester into a love sick story of romanticism, longing & completion. The good won't counteract much because the worst of the worst has been done & there's nothing more that can be said in order to change that". _

Nearing the edge of the page as her amber eyes trailed from it to the couple near the lake, Umi knew she'd never really recover from the mess but she was strong enough to finally bury the past. 

_"I have other things to focus on in my life and other distractions but ultimately, it'll never lessen the sting of what you did. This isn't a goodbye, just me merely venting & sharing if you will. It is only fair for us both to know the extent of your betrayal and I feel that our goodbyes will happen when they're meant to happen. I just think it's fair that you get a taste of what I feel, think & breath when the memories appear or when that sharp hit of foolishness evokes in me. Emotions that are evoked when something I listen to reminds me of moments from the years we had or when the subject of you comes up. You'll forever be like a ghost to me, Maki, always there but never to be seen"._

What more could she do than to finish grieving for a lost lover, how much more pain could she cause herself by latching on to Maki's remnants and most importantly, why would she need to do that when nothing could be altered now. She knew that it was time to end this once and for all. 

_"Yours faithfully, Umi"._

And with the intent of finally letting the haunting of her previous relationship die out, Umi placed her pen down, picked up the piece of paper with her heart scrawled on it and scrunched it up. 

She allowed a smile to creep onto her face as the crinkling noise felt soothing, the shadows of the redhead and blonde on the bridge not burning her quite as much. She didn't need to be told that the past couldn't be changed nor did she need telling that the future can be crafted by her own hands. 

That was a decision she had made now for herself rather than being driven to it by revenge. 

It was far more satisfactory that way. 

 

"Sorry for the wait". 

The sound of a gentle voice stating that her coffee was ready as it was placed on the table made Umi refocus her attention to the soft hand before trailing it up to the woman's face. Just as tender as the voice was, a sweet smiled braced her lips as she reciprocated the one on Umi's face. 

"Thank you.. " Umi replied before taking a look at the name tag and returning her eyes on the pair that were so similar to her own but she thought were far more beautiful, "Kotori". 

 


End file.
